Monday, September 26, 2011

so close but yet so far.

have you ever felt like you've been so close to getting someone, like it's right under your finger tips but at the same time that someone seems so far away, like your never going to be together.
that's exactly how d and i are right now. d recently broke up with is girlfriend in the summer, which should be a good thing right? i guess it is, i mean i'm not feeling guilty every time he comes over and we do things. the only problem is it''s me and d. our relationship is just this huge mess of being fuck buddies with feelings half the time basically. then, when something pisses us off we stop talking to each other for weeks and the cycle keeps repeating. all i want is to move pass this stupid stage. we both like each other. sure i'm afraid to let him in again but i seriously think he might save me. i'm broken and he's broken, i mean not as much as me but still. maybe we can save each other. he's the only person i picture being with. i know he makes me mad sometimes and nobody's perfect but i can't lose him. we are so close. i'm not going to lose him this time i can't. i'm going to do everything i can to be with him. i'm going to fight even though it hurts. i'm going to fast. i'm going to lose weight. i'm going to be that girl that any guy would want, just to make him want me more. i'm going to do this. ---- starting today. starting right now. today's the day that's gonna chance everything for the rest of my life. i refuse to give up. and this fight is going to be worth it. :)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

can't sleep :(

i've only gotten like one hour of sleep tonight. i'm going to the gym in like an hour and then i have work all day until 5:30pm tonight and then back to the gym...it's going to be one long ass fucking day, we are taking the day camps kids to the beach...at least i can work on my tan lol ...

i don't care anymore, i am going to do whatever it takes now to be thin. i'm done with guys just using me for sex all the time. i just want a guy who will actually wanna be with me, maybe i'll get that when i'm thin.
i can do this shit :)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

fathers day :)

hello ladies,

everytime i seem to go near the xbox, something breaks. the other day, i broke the expensive hdmi cord so my mom and i had to go out and get a new one, then we also bought dance dance revolution.
yesterday, i got blamed for taking a xbox game out of xbox and leaving it on the floor and then my dad stepped on it and it broke and my brother got all mad at me because apparently his friend was lending it to him and my dad had to go spend 60 dollars on a fucking new one.  

anyways, for fathers day my dad invited his cousin her husband and daughter are coming over for dinner and then their daughter who is a few years younger than me is staying for a few days.
hydroxycut has been helping a little bit i think, i've only been on it for three days. i didn't go to the gym yesterday and  probably won't go today, but i went friday and i'm pretty sure i gained since yesterday morning, well yesterday i did eat whatever i wanted.
i just wish i was thin. i want to be thin so bad, then i wouldn't be scared about going out. i would want go out. and i wouldn't hate myself when i looked in the mirror.
stay strong, thin think
-- J <3

Friday, June 17, 2011

all i want is to be wanted ...

hello ladies,
all i want is for somebody to want me, for somebody to love me. i want to be that girl who's always on a guys mind, when a msg from me pops up on somebody's phone, they smile and laugh. i want to receive text msgs from people and not always be the one sending them. a simple good morning text would make my day. i want to be the girl guys always check out when walking down the street. i want a guy to complement me and mean it. i want a guy who tells me i'm beautiful, i want i guy who will love me and make me believe in love and fairytales again.
is that too much to ask for?

k, my boss is really starting to piss me off. when i went away to uni she said i would be able to have my shifts back in the summer. i email her a few months before coming back telling her that i still want them, she says that she is getting rid of those shifts in the summer.
so today when i went to the gym, i stopped my work to say hi to the kids, i checked the summer hours sheet, my shifts were up there except she gave them to two other people when she promised i could have them this summer, so i had to remind her that she already promised me the shifts ...
i just want to be thin.
-- J <3 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

i want another tattoo...

k so, i went shopping with my mom today. 
i got
five different color cami's sizes xs to s 
a pair of shorts size 26
stripped tank top size s
and two pairs of flip flops 

only problem? i don't fit into any of the clothing items. reason? i'm too fat. my mom said i would never fit into any of the extra small shirts because my boobs will be too big. i'll show her. 
ugh, i want to be thin so bad. 
on the way to the gym tomorrow, i am going to buy some hydroxycut and see if the pills will help any. 

oh, i'm thinking about getting another tattoo. right now, i have three stars on my right wrist. i want to get another small tattoo on my left wrist. 
why? i'm not sure if i mentioned before in my other blogs, but i self harm. i cut mostly on my wrists, words, lines whatever. most of the words i write are hateful ones. so, i want to get a tattoo that covers them. and hopefully i won't want to cut as much. 
except, i'm not sure what to get. i don't know if i want words or a symbol something telling me to stay stong. i want whatever i get to be meaningful as well, so if anybody has any ideas of what i should get, please feel free to share it with me :)!
stay strong girls, 
-- J<3

Monday, June 13, 2011

being thin isn't that easy

hello ladies,

i went to the gym on saturday and sunday. except i didn't really watch what i ate all weekend, fuck this whole thin thing isn't going well.
today's a new day, i'm going to try again. it's raining out, i don't feel like walking to the gym. i also have to go to the bank to cash a check so i can buy some hydroxycut...maybe the pills will help me lose weight faster.
i don't feel up to getting out of bed, i don't want to get up to go change the record that stopped playing. and i don't feel like eating. i'm going to try my hardest not to eat today. but as soon as i eat, i have to go to the gym.
i don't feel like doing anything basically. i might do the plank and sit ups on my yoga ball.
i keep trying to picture how good i'll look when i'm 100 pounds, and somehow i think it's going to be easy to get there. except i know it's not. i wish it was though. i just want to go back to school and walk into where D works to buy something, run into him, and have him not be able to get his eyes off me.
i don't know what to do anymore, why does this have to be so hard?

Friday, June 10, 2011

home sweet home

hello girls,

guess what?! i have big news. I"M HOME! :) and i couldn't be happier. i am so ready to become thin again.
right now, i am lying in bed with my cat lying beside me. i missed my cat so much.
i was unpacking the things i still haven't unpacked from school yet, all my dresser drawers are stuffed with clothes and my closet is so small and is stuff with hoodies...i haven't evens started unpacking from my trip yet, and have no where to put the clothes. my clothing hamper is already half full with clean clothes. plus, my mom brought me back some things when she was away. i think i need another room.
my great aunt who died a few months ago, had a record player it's been sitting in our basement for ever since she moved in with us about six years ago. i decided that i want to start collecting records.
my mom said they might have some at the second hand store, so we are going to go there tomorrow and look for some. also, we are going to check some yard sales.
tomorrow, i also want to plaster my walls with thinspiration pictures and go to the gym.
it's good to be back.
stay strong, think thin
-- J <3

Sunday, June 5, 2011

back to the country today

hello ladies,

i got a tumblr, i don't really like it that much, but then again i don't know how to use it really...
it's simply-thin.tumblr.com
i'm not sure if i'm going to use it as often as i use blogger, but who knows,
also if you have a tumblr i'd love to be friends on there as well, and follow you....maybe you can even sure me how to use it.

today's my last day with internet until i go home on friday, but on the bright side, i'm going home on friday!
there's five days until i'm home! yes, i know it's all i've been talking about for the last few blog posts, except i can't wait. i can't wait to get off that plane and see my family and friends, and of course go to the gym :)!
i'm starting back at the gym saturday, since friday i want to spend with my family because i haven't seen then since the end of april. and as much as i don't get along with my siblings, it will be nice to see them and of course my parents. yes, my parents do annoy me most of the time, but it will be nice to spend a little bit of time with them.
i'm not really sure what's going on for the rest of the week, but hopefully the weather will be nice because i want to work on my tan as much as possible because there's nothing better to do at my aunts.
by the end of the summer i was to lose at least 30lbs, maybe even more.
stay strong, think thin
-- J <3 xo.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

six days til home!

hello girls :)!
and new followers...

i messed around with my layout a little bit, so hope you like it, i really do.

guess what?! only SIX more days until i'm home and back to starving myself. i'm so excited. hopefully this week will go quickly,,,
while driving to the mall today there was a huge thunderstorm, people thought it was a tornado except it wasn't.
this is what i bought at the mall today:
one pair of x-small spandex shorts from Forever 21
a pink and white stripped tank top size small from Forever 21
and a cute grey and black one shoulder dress type shirt size small from Forever 21
lastly a black water proof eyeliner from Sephora 
-- kay so maybe i got a bit excited because i'm a size medium almost a size large so there's no way the x-small spandex are going to fit me anytime soon or anything else for that matter, so that just gets me even more pumped to start starving myself.
-- J <3

Friday, June 3, 2011

going home in a week!

in a week from tomorrow, I'll be back to counting calories and going to the gym twice a day, watching thinspiration on YouTube and looking through my thinspiration binder and of corse keeping the blog updated.
Right now I am at a mall waiting for my older cousin to finish work and come pick me up, sure I used to love the mall when I had a job and went with friends. Being here right now sucks. It's busy and I know nobody and have no money to spend on clothes. So basically there's nothing to do. I'm sitting alone in the food court with a bottle of water. My life is so sad fuck. The only good thing about sitting here right now is the hot guy that's sitting buy himself a few tables across from me. except of course I'm to ugly for him t notice me.
I'm thinking about getting a tumblur. Should I?
Think thin and stay sting girls ...
Hopefully your days are going better than mine!
Thanks for all the new followers as well!
-- j
ps sorry for the spelling errors ...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

hello girls!,

i'm so sorry for the lack of blog posts. lately i was going through so much drama and things with school that i lost my inspiration to be thing again. as you know from a few posts, i really liked this guy D a lot. and  i figured he liked me. which wasn't the case because the pieces to the puzzle began coming together and i realized he was just using me. here i was thinking he was the prefect guy who might actually show me that love is real, that love does exist. wrong. he turned out to be a complete ass whole, liar, and jerk. but by the time i figured this out, i really really liked him. part of me wanted to believe all his lies where true and the other part of me just wanted to walk away, and let me tell you, letting go is harder then it looks. D put me through hell. but i've had enough of the lies and promises. i've really got to move on, so i'm going to and yes, it's going to be hard but with each day things will get a little easier.
since school is finished for the summer, i decided to go on a long vacation to stay with my aunt until i have to work at the end of june. basically being here, i wanted to accomplish a few things: try and move on from D, try and be happy again and become who i used to be, and lastly find the inspiration to try and become thin. and guess what?! i found it. i can't wait to go back home. i can't wait to start at the gym two times a day and start counting calories. i can't wait to lose 40 pounds. i can't wait to become pretty. i can't wait to have the body that every guy wants. so i figured if i have this perfect body, a body that all guys are jealous of then D might be jealous of it. i'm going to walk into where D works when i get back to school and pretend i came in to buy something and then i'll run into him and then he'll regret everything that happened between us and then he'll want me, and then i'll tell him, if you want me, come find me.
so girls, when i get home in the middle of june, i'm back for good.
-- J <3

Monday, April 18, 2011

fat, my birthday, i just want one thing.

i thought that maybe, just maybe if i didn't ask for anything for my birthday, i would get you. i also wished for you when i blew out my candles. can't you see i need you?
i don't believe in love, i don't believe in fairytales. you ruined me. 
soo i haven't blogged in like forever. i know know. i've been eating and being fucking fat. i'll probably come back to blogging in the summer full time when i'm home and not eating is easier to do. :)
so i'm sorry i haven't posted in awhile.
basically the last month of my life has been hell.
it consisted of losing my best friend at school, telling her that her boyfriend raped me, and having her not believe me.
realizing that D's been using me. except as much as i don't want anything to do with him something holding me onto him. he's all i think about and i keep thinking he's going to show up at his door choosing me, which i know isn't going to happen but basically i'm holding on to nothing.
it's exam week, so i should really be studying, i can't focus though because all i think about is D even after everything he put me through.
i just want school to be done, which it will be on thursday. and i just want to go home. i'm done with this shit.
-- keep fighting girls.
--- love, J <3

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

my life is like one tree hill right now

thinspo quote:
don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game

my life has been legit CRAZY the past two weeks. i'm so so sorry i haven't posted. to sum everything up, the past weeks have evolved boys heartbreak and binging and a bunch of crying. 
basically if you know the show one tree hill, then you know what my life has been like the past two weeks.
but if you don't here's a summary"
Haley and Nathan - B & G
Lucas - D
Payton - Me 
Brooke - D's girlfriend . 
Rachel - C (in my case, C is a guy.) 
basically everyone thinks C is using me. while i am head over heals in love with D, who is apparently testing me right now according to B's boyfriend G.  me and D are on break right now. until we can be friends. except i think i might be in love with D. and knowing i can't be with him is the hardest thing in my life right now and i don't want to be alone so i turned to D's best friend C. while C says he isn't using me, everyone else thinks he is.  all i want is to be with D. he's all i think about day and night. i like him so much is fucking hurts, and i am willing to do anything to be with him. so as of today i am back to counting calories and water fasting. i go home tomorrow and hopefully things will die out when i get back and D will have finally made up his mind about H. 
uggggh . fml. 
---- i dyed my hair last weekend... does it look alright ? :) 

Friday, February 18, 2011

guys suck!

hello ladies :)!
-- so so so sorry that i haven't posted in so long. i've been so busy.
midterms are this month. i had two this week and two next week. i've been studying like crazy.
i feel like a huge pig because i've been eating everything in sight.
-- i hate guys. they are so fucking confusing. i don't even want to talk about my fucking love life right now. guys are dicks. ugh. i'm just so frustrated right now i don't know what to do. i feel like shit. i just want to go die in a hole.  i don't know if i like new guy any more. i thought i liked this guy named D, who has a girlfriend but we really did connect the night we spent together. D is a fucking dick and ass whole. 
--- i'm so fat. and guys suck. i don't know why i even bother. 
----- J

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

i just want to be thin!

thinspo quote:
only YOU can make this happen!

daay twenty!
hello ladies :) 
-- today's fast is going great! i've haven't eaten a single thing! plus drank more water than yesterday. the only thing i hate is when i'm not eating and drinking water makes me really really cold. i am freezing right now! oh well, tomorrow will be better. tomorrow i will not eat either, or the next day. i am going to see how long i can last. cause as todays quote says 'only YOU can make this happen'. i've got to be thin for when i go home on spring break. i'll probably not fast on spring break. i was talking to my mom on the phone today and she said she would buy me whatever food i wanted when i was home. i'll probably get some healthy stuff but some treats too.
-- i miss new guy. i know i saw him on monday but that seems like it was so long ago. i'm seeing him on friday. it's not too long. new guy got into four bands! four! i am kind of jealous, not going to lie. i hope we still have time to do things together. i honestly don't think i can go any more than a week without seeing him. 
we are going to an italian resturant for valentines day. pasta is my all time favourite food. i hate that it's so bad for you! but i promised myself to only get pasta if i fast and eat really good this week. i can't mess up. valentines day is my treat. i can do this. i keep picturing that yummy pasta and how good its going to be, but i have to work for it. 
also, new guy wants me to bring a dress to his house on friday night. ugh. i look so fat in dresses. they don't look good on me. he said he would do anything if i we had sex in a dress.
the anything that came into my mind was food. if he bought me food i would do it. i was going to ask him if he would, but i don't really need that food. fuck! i can't believe i thought of food out of everything. its the one thing i can't have. that's why i want it. but i've gotta stay in control :) 
good luck ladies! 
stay strong, and think thin
-- J 

thinspiration time!

Annie - thanks! remember tomorrow is a new day! hopefully you did better today! :) 

M - hope you did good on your fasting! :) if not, we can always start again. keep trying! we'll be thin soon! :) 

Anafly - new guy is amazing-- he proves there are actually nice guys out there. thank you! 

Kirrari sings - yeah, when you are sick you don't want to eat anything , and you purge as well! making you lose so much weight, as much as i hate being sick,  sometimes i love it.
Thanks so much! we all have good days and bad days. i guess it's part of life. 

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

finally back on track!

thinspo quote:
i want

the size 0 jeans, 
sweat pants that hang on me, xsmall tee’s
, bruised visible hip bones
 that pale,  a cold tired face, 
the thigh gap
, collar bones sticking out

and everyone to stop and stare at me.

daay nineteen :) 
hello ladies! 
-- and new followers
wow, 23! i can't believe all of you actually enjoy reading my blog! also, thanks for all the supporting comment, they mean so much! and always make me feel better! 
so, as you ladies probably figured out, i am leaving comment responses at the end of my blog, after the thinspiration pictures. 
-- fasting. i'm fasting today. it's going amazing. i haven't eating anything and only drank a bottle of water. the first day of fasting is always the hardest. i always get super hungry around 4:00-5:00 ish. that's when i usually break my fast, and end up going for supper or i end up breaking my fast at around 10:00-11:00pm when i get cravings for snacks. 
-- last post i wasn't totally sure about new guy...but today i am. i really really really like him. i really hope something happens between us. i miss him whenever he isn't with me. 
anyway, so new guy weighs 127 pounds. fuuckkk! he weighs less than me. i really need to step up my game. i need to be at least 20 pounds less than him. 
also, i am not sure if i mentioned but new guy wants to do the whole valentines day thing. i used to hate valentines day, but if he's willing to plan it and buy me stuff, then i don't mind, except i have to get him something. i have no idea what to get him. i hate shopping for guys. 
and oh my god. new guy rescued me last night. i was lost and he saved me. 
heres the short version of the story: 
B wanted to go on an adventure, to the north side of the city. she just wanted to get off campus  and think cause she was stressed. she asked me to go, and me being stupid said yes. B decided she wasn't going to tell her boyfriend or anyone where she was going. she just basically wanted to get away. we ended up in the north side at a subway. i had no idea where we were. and B was having a freaking panic attack because she told her boyfriend we were on the north side, and her boyfriend got pissed for some reason and wanted to come get her, but he lives like 35 minutes outside the city and new guy was already coming to get us if we got lost. but her boyfriend decided to come anyway, and B  wouldn't let me drive back to campus with them, wtf? so i texted new guy and he saved me. i was so happy to see him, and then we kind of lost track of time and lets just say i have a huge hikki ;) on my neck :D
-- B's not coming back to school this week. She's staying at her boyfriends until she gets unstressed. that means i won't be so tempted to eat supper! :) 
-- some bad news, i carved the word failure into my wrist. i haven't cut since november. 
but ladies, my reason is a good one! -- hopefully by the time it fades i won't be a failure anymore! :) 

sorry for my post being so long! :) 
stay strong, and think thin
 ps. new guy just texted me!   
--- J 

Thinspo !!!!

 I love this one!, the before and after both actually look like the same person for once!
and, this is one of my favs, she's perfect. 

M - i don't have a scale-- so it makes things easier. i weigh myself at the gym. i don't go to the gym often if i am fasting cause i feel really weak. but, i am thinking of asking my parents for a scale when i go home on spring break! -- i wish i could weigh myself as much as i wanted to!

used for: glue - yeah you are so right! i am surprised theres people out there that actually wanna read my writing. i love getting comments! they really make my day. 
i've been pooping like crazy lately-- do you lose weigh when you poop? 
i can't want for warm weather. i can't wait to be thin. :)

reme- thanks for the inspiration! i'm not quitting this time. we are going to be thin a beautiful and i am going to do whatever it takes :) we can do this! 

dani- i just feel so horrible when i binge! (i think we all do) but it feels so good at that moment. i just need to get a little stronger. thanks! :) 

Monday, February 7, 2011


daaay something. maybe 18. 

hello ladies, and new followers :) -- im up to 20 now.
i remember starting this blog wondering who would want to read it.
i'm sorry that i have been lacking on posts. i never feel like posting when i binge. i feel like i am letting you all down.
-- all weekend i just wanted to eat. i probably gained five pounds this weekend. i re fuse to weigh myself. i am going to try my very hardest this week. i am going to fast for a few days, go to the gym as much as possible and then weigh myself at the end of the week to see if i've lose anything. it's impossible that i will lose 30 pounds between now and March 4th. i'm and going to try and lose as much as i can. i need inspiration. i don't have any right now. i want to give up, but i can't. i have to be thin. it's going to be worth it at the end. somedays are harder than others. i just gotta keep trying. i am not a QUITTER. We can't QUIT. We can do this.
-- i don't know if i like the new guy as much as i used to. i haven't slept with him yet even though i did sleepover at his house last weekend. this guy isn't the hottest guy on the planet. i just don't know anymore. when i lose all this weight and a hot guy comes along, and if me and new guy get together of course i am going to dump new guy for hot guy.
- long story short, basically i'm lost. i'm empty. i'm confused. i don't know what to do anymore.
somebody please heeeelllppp me!
<3 ---- J

Kirrari - Being stressed isn't fun at all! Thanks for the advisee-- i didn't eat anything at his house, instead when i came back to m y dorm, i binged all weekend.

remerta- i hate how there are some people who can eat anything they want and still be thin! it's not fair!

Toni- i'm not sure about the whole stress calorie thing, i'm going to look it up though! and i wish 30 pounds in 30 was easy to do!

Dani- i'm going to try that next time, if i end up having to eat at his house. we went to subway. i just ended up bingeing anyway. ugh.

haze- maybe 30 pounds is a bit too much, i'm going to try and lose as much of it as possible though!
thanks for following :)

AVY- yeah so true! i guess the big thing is finding yourself, and liking yourself before you can be truly satisfied.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

so stressed.

thinspo quote:
& she whispered below her breath, why can't i be more like HER. 

daaay fifteen!
hello ladies :)
-- i am so sick of studying. i haven't even studied that much. i hate how professors always cram everything so close together. this month is going to suck school wise. i have so many tests this much, my brain hurts just thinking about them. i just want it to be friday. i want to get my learners test over with and just relax with the new guy and not worry about anything. i'm so sick of nightmares as well. i just want to go home.
-- 30 days! that's how many days i have until spring breaks starts. that's how many days i have to lose 30 fucking pounds. that means i have to lose a pound a day. -- it probably won't happen, but i am going to try my hardest. i miss home. i miss my friends. i miss my old gym. i miss work. i miss my family and my cat. i'll make it, and when i go home, it's so going to be worth it. i am going to look amazing then. i can't give up. -- i'm scared to step onto the scale. i've been avoiding it and the gym. i'll get back on tract next week.
-- i haven't eaten anything today so far. i've had water, that's it. went to the cafeteria with B, left my wallet in my room on purpose. didn't get anything, even though the food was so tempting.
--i'm worried about this weekend. me and the new guy were talking about food. what i am supposed to do when i eat supper with him family? or breakfast? i mean, i can't say i don't want anything. that would just be rude. maybe i'll take really really small amounts of whatever they give me. fuck. this is so hard.
--i'm so stressed. i just want to go HOME.
- J
thinspo :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

nightmares + more

thinspo quote:
don't you ever feel like if you were PRETTIER, things would be EAISER?

daaay fourteen? 
good-evening ladies :)
hope this month so far is treating you good! February is going to be and amazing month! I can just feel it.

-- i had the worst nightmare ever last night. long story short, we had to weigh our selves. I stepped onto the scale, and it read 162.9 pounds. fuccck! I woke up crying. -- The good thing though is that it gave me motivation today.
-- Whenever I am fasting, I always get hungry around this time, thus I binge and there goes all my hard work. Today, I decided to go into fasting slowly. When I woke up, I ate a rice cake. That has what? around 75 calories? Hopefully I am going to stay strong for the rest of the evening. I haven't been that hungry yet. I think it's working.
I got money from my dad today. If I have extra money left over from writing my beginners, I am going as the new guy to take me to the store so I can get some health food.
-- speaking of the new guy, guess what!? we are having a 'sleepover' Friday. :) i am so excited.
-- My bracelets came today! They are at TY's house right now. Her mom is going to drop them off to me sometime this weekend. Once says 'Believe' and the other one says 'Imagine'. I'm not going to TY's house this weekend-- so no food :)
-- today in class, we were talking about these people whose plan crashed and had to eat dead peoples bodies to survive, whenever i want food, i think i am going to think about this. i rather starve than eat a dead human being--gross.
All this fasting and not eating is going to be worth it in the end though
Stay Strong Ladies :) We can fight this battle together.
Found a bunch of amazing thinspo! :) ENJOY
- J

dani - kids can be so cute sometimes, i just have to give into them :) it was worth it to see him smile.
remerta- thanks for the tip :) and yees! i loved that top thinspo picture, it's one of my favourites as well. i'm glad you enjoyed it so much!
toni - 500 calories isn't that bad! most day's on my fasts i usually end up bingeing, but i'm going to change that. stay strong :)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

now i believe in me

thinspo quote:
Light as a feather floating on air, I want to be PERFECT barely there

daay thirteen 
 hello ladies,
hope all of you are staying strong, and doing as good as i am doing so far today!
-- i haven't eaten anything today! 
k so, that's totally a lie, i was volunteering at the day care center this morning. lunch time came around and my favourite kid there wouldn't eat his lunch, the day care worker thought maybe he would eat some chopped up cooked carrots. he didn't want to eat them, so i pretended to eat a carrot piece. he's a smart kid, and knew i didn't actually eat the carrot piece, so he asked me to eat it again. aha. -- other than that i haven't eaten anything. 
-- i am currently waiting for my nails to dry. i painted them green, to past the time. i haven't been to any of my classes today. i just didn't feel like going, plus my period started and i felt like shit. 
-- on that note, i have so much school work to catch up on, i always leave mine for the last minute. i have to read an 18 page chapter for one of my classes--i have a quiz on the chapter tomorrow. 
i also have a quiz on thursday in another class on chapters 1-4  in a different text book. plus i need to study for my beginners. 
-- i was talking to my dad last night, apparently when i called him, he was in dallas, texas-- at some basketball game. i asked him if i could get my weekly allowance he promised me in september, so i am not worried about having no money all the time. he asked me how much i wanted, and i wanted to be reasonable so i said 20 dollars. he decided on 30, but 35 this week, plus money to write my learners. -- hey, i'm not complaining.
don't give up! keep believing. 
ps, thanks for all the wonderful comments. where do you ladies reply to the comments on your blogs? should i keep commenting back in the comment box or should i comment on my next blog post. 
thinspo . as promised :) 


Monday, January 31, 2011

i'm happy!

thinspo quote :
i want to be so thin, light, airy, that....
... when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind
... when i walk across the snow, i will not leave any footprints 
... i can dance between the raindrops in a downpour. 

daaay twelve!
hello ladies! :)
fifteen followers - oh . my . goodness.
also, sorry i've been lacking on commenting back. i have read all your lovely comments, and thank you for all of your support , it makes me feel so much better about myself!

i have so much to tell you! so lets start!
-- i met a guy :) we went out last night...just driving around at first, then we parked the car, made out and did some other stuff. i actually felt a connection with him, like a spark. i felt so amazing being with him, it was the best feeling ever. i'm happy for the first time in a long time. i love this feeling.
on friday, he's taking me to re-write my learners for my drivers licence, he also said he would teach me to drive. it's about fucking time i got my licence. i'm eighteen for crying out loud. i really really hope i pass! and hopefully i can go for my full before i go home on spring break! -- i think i am finally over M.
-- TY's mom and I were talking when she drove me back to residence last night. she's taking a skiing trip one of these weekends coming up, and is letting me house sit for her! i'll have the house all to myself, and finally get some 'me' time. i'll probably end up hopefully hanging out with M maybe and T, they are the only people there i am really good friends with besides TY. or, i'm thinking of asking the new guy to come over one night! oh. my. goodness. i am so excited. i cannot wait for that weekend.
-- it's a new week. spring break is coming up. i am starting to question myself and this whole dieting, fasting thing. do i really want to do it? deep down inside i do. i just need some inspiration, some thinpiration . i really can do it! i can. i just have to keep trying. i can't give up. i can't. i can't. i can't.
-- i love this feeling. i love being happy. i can't remember the last time i felt like this.
remember : thin is in!
loveee you ladies :)
ps, tomorrow blog will have thinspo pictures --- i promise. i'm just in the process of finding some new ones !

Sunday, January 30, 2011

a new start

thinspo quote:
you can't be small, if you eat it all. 

daaay eleven!
-- i must of gained ten fucking pounds this weekend. ugh. i ate sooo much. i don't know why. i just ate.
this means i mustn't go to TY'S house on until after spring break. just like my thinspo quote today says:
you can't be small, if you eat it all. 
-- i went to walmart and bought a bunch of those 100 calories snack things. i love to snack, and when i am not fasting, instead of just binging all the time, if i eat one of the 100 calorie things, then i won't want to binge eat all the time, and it will control my amount of calories consumed.
- my 'thin drawer' is getting fuller, and i am getting fatter. -- not fun. i will never get to wear all the pretty spring clothes i have in there. i must not eat. i can't eat.
-- i need some inspiration. i don't think i can do this. it's so hard. i'll keep trying though.
-- sorry i've been gone so long. i haven't been feeling like posting cause i've been eating.
lots of love , stay strong
--- julia xoxo

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

binged--when will i ever be thin?

thinspo quote-
don't wish for it, work for it.

daaaay seven , 
i fucking hate B. i hate her for making me go down to the cafeteria with her. i am never going in that place ever again. -- that should solve my problems with bingeing. i feel horrible. i can't believe i let you girls down. i was doing so so great. i hadn't eating anything until now. i could have made myself a salad, but no-- i went straight for the grill, getting myself a bacon cheeseburger and mozza sticks, as well as two cookies and ice cream--fuccccck! -- i feel so bad, i feel like i am letting all you ladies down :(
punishment -- FASTING! -- for the next two days. maybe even saturday too, have any of you ladies ever fasted for three days? -- no eat whatever i want day sunday. all i can have is a salad.
-- this weekend is going to be really really hard-- i'm probably going to TY's house. i always eat so much when i'm there. -- not anymore i guess haha.  i promise i'll try my hardest. i promise that if i have to eat i'll eat healthy or very very little. i will try very very very hard not to binge.
--back to B. i am un-best-friending her. i think i mentioned something to her about buying all my clothes a size to small, because she said 'if you keep buying them to small, soon you'll have no clothes to wear, and they would look good because you have a big chest'.
fuccck her. they will look good. i will be skinny--eventually. i will. i will. i'll show her. when i'm pretty and when she's a fat cow, i'll just laugh. laugh in her face--cause i'll have clothes that fit me when i'm thin. i won't have to worry about buying new ones.
blah. what a shitty day--
sorry i failed today.
bones are beautiful -- so starve on!


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

i will not eat.

thinspo quote:
skip dinner and be thinner

daaay six!
--i skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner, so hopefully soon i'll be thinner!
helloo ladies,
k so, i'm waiting for A to skype me! i haven't talked to her in forever. i really miss my not annoying best friend. -- speaking of annoying best friends, B is really starting to piss me off. sometimes i wonder why i either bother to be friends with her. she makes me seem really dumb whenever we are out in public. ugh.
we took the bus home from the mall last night. we had to take one that we weren't used to taking because we didn't want to wait an hour for the one we usually take. B was all like 'omg, we are so going to get lost. if we don't make it home in time for my boyfriend to call me, i really hope we don't get lost.'  i said to myself you gotta be fucking kidding me, and told her i took the bus before and not to worry, we won't get lost. -- once on the bus she was like 'if this is the wrong bus, let me find our way home next time'
like seriously? she's fucking pissing me off.
*end of rant.
-- when we were at the mall i found out i had more money in my account than i thought i did, so i went shopping, also we went to go see Country Strong. -- it's an amazing movie! i cried so hard. ahahaha.
haven't eaten anything yet! woohoo! -- i also actually did some homework, but didn't get to the gym, oh well.
since i am buying clothes a size too small, i made a thin drawer in my dresser--for clothes and things such as make up and nail polish , that i can only use when i reach my goal weight. -- it's so going to be worth it when i get there.
also , one more thing, i made kind of a meal plan-- sundays are the day where i just binge. i can eat anything i want--as much as i want.
then, for the rest of the week, i fast and only eat veggies and fruit, and salad , and cottage cheese.
--if i find out i am gaining weight from sundays, i'll fast all seven days of the week.
sorry this post is sooo long!,
think thin, stay stong.
- julia .
here's some thinspo :