Can You Hear Me?

Can you see me? I am here. Here. Dying inside. Little by little, day by day, the sunlight goes away, and darkness comes. 

Is there a light on the other side--at the end of the tunnel? 

Can you hear me? Can you see me? I am here. 

Here alone. Invisible within darkness. Smothered by unwanted thoughts. I'm in a nightmare. Day in, day out. 

"Take my hand," she says, her eyes are black as cole. Her heart is cold. "Come with me." 

Darkness has come. It's ready to take me away, throw me down a rabbit whole. 

Where have the butterflies gone? The sunlight? The bright blue skies. They're somewhere, in another world perhaps. 

"Take my hand," she says again, "I see you. I can hear you." 

I take her hand, she swallows me whole, into a whole other world. I call her "Her. or "She". 

Who would want to name the monster that living inside of your head? 

k so today wasn't totally bad...i spent the after noon babysitting morgan. we went to clay cafe , a place where you paint pottery. it was kind of fun actually. i picked out a mug to paint for my momma for mothers day and i let morgan pick out something for herself and something for her mom. morgan is obsessed with dogs so of course she picks out a dog and then she picks out an elephant for her mom because it's her mom's favourite animal. i think she had a lot of fun, i mean it's better than being cooped up in boring old day care all day. even though she's six, i like spending time with morgan. i've known her her whole life and i've lived next door to her her whole life, i basically consider ourselves  as sisters.
i guess that's all for now <3
---- J

new beginnings

hello,
i know, i know i haven't updated this blog in a thousand years but it's summer now and i've got nothing to do so that's going to change. i guess it's a new beginning, a new start. it's time for change. -- and that's exactly what my tattoo means---new beginnings, free,  & change. while i was vacationing, i got a second tattoo on my left wrist of two butterflies.
okay anyway, i don't know if anybody still reads my blog posts cause i haven't updated in forever. i've been using tumblr a lot this year but lately it's been starting to piss me off. so i'm going to start using both, i mean if people still want me to post blogs... do you?
i'm going to start at the gym tomorrow because yesterday i dropped a suit cause on my toe and cut open a toe nail. it hurt like fuck and i can't really walk on it ---- so i guess i'll just start tomorrow morning.
i decided to go back to working out because i have like only one friend here at home and half the time she is working and i have like nothing to do basically. my job doesn't start until the end of june so i'm stuck doing nothing and i don't want to be sitting around my house doing nothing which is what i'll be doing this summer anyway. so i'm going to transform this summer into a prettier, much skinner me. i know that i always say i wish i was thin and everything --- well guess news flash, you don't get thin by just wishing to be thin...you actually have to work for it....
if you want me to keep posting i guess just comment and let me know--- i'm not sure i am going to post if i have nobody wanting to read my blog --- but knowing me i'll probably will cause like i said, i have no friends here.
stay strong xo, --- J

so close but yet so far.

have you ever felt like you've been so close to getting someone, like it's right under your finger tips but at the same time that someone seems so far away, like your never going to be together.
that's exactly how d and i are right now. d recently broke up with is girlfriend in the summer, which should be a good thing right? i guess it is, i mean i'm not feeling guilty every time he comes over and we do things. the only problem is it''s me and d. our relationship is just this huge mess of being fuck buddies with feelings half the time basically. then, when something pisses us off we stop talking to each other for weeks and the cycle keeps repeating. all i want is to move pass this stupid stage. we both like each other. sure i'm afraid to let him in again but i seriously think he might save me. i'm broken and he's broken, i mean not as much as me but still. maybe we can save each other. he's the only person i picture being with. i know he makes me mad sometimes and nobody's perfect but i can't lose him. we are so close. i'm not going to lose him this time i can't. i'm going to do everything i can to be with him. i'm going to fight even though it hurts. i'm going to fast. i'm going to lose weight. i'm going to be that girl that any guy would want, just to make him want me more. i'm going to do this. ---- starting today. starting right now. today's the day that's gonna chance everything for the rest of my life. i refuse to give up. and this fight is going to be worth it. :)

can't sleep :(

i've only gotten like one hour of sleep tonight. i'm going to the gym in like an hour and then i have work all day until 5:30pm tonight and then back to the gym...it's going to be one long ass fucking day, we are taking the day camps kids to the beach...at least i can work on my tan lol ...

i don't care anymore, i am going to do whatever it takes now to be thin. i'm done with guys just using me for sex all the time. i just want a guy who will actually wanna be with me, maybe i'll get that when i'm thin.
i can do this shit :)

fathers day :)

hello ladies,

everytime i seem to go near the xbox, something breaks. the other day, i broke the expensive hdmi cord so my mom and i had to go out and get a new one, then we also bought dance dance revolution.
yesterday, i got blamed for taking a xbox game out of xbox and leaving it on the floor and then my dad stepped on it and it broke and my brother got all mad at me because apparently his friend was lending it to him and my dad had to go spend 60 dollars on a fucking new one.  

anyways, for fathers day my dad invited his cousin her husband and daughter are coming over for dinner and then their daughter who is a few years younger than me is staying for a few days.
hydroxycut has been helping a little bit i think, i've only been on it for three days. i didn't go to the gym yesterday and  probably won't go today, but i went friday and i'm pretty sure i gained since yesterday morning, well yesterday i did eat whatever i wanted.
i just wish i was thin. i want to be thin so bad, then i wouldn't be scared about going out. i would want go out. and i wouldn't hate myself when i looked in the mirror.
stay strong, thin think
-- J <3

all i want is to be wanted ...

hello ladies,
all i want is for somebody to want me, for somebody to love me. i want to be that girl who's always on a guys mind, when a msg from me pops up on somebody's phone, they smile and laugh. i want to receive text msgs from people and not always be the one sending them. a simple good morning text would make my day. i want to be the girl guys always check out when walking down the street. i want a guy to complement me and mean it. i want a guy who tells me i'm beautiful, i want i guy who will love me and make me believe in love and fairytales again.
is that too much to ask for?

k, my boss is really starting to piss me off. when i went away to uni she said i would be able to have my shifts back in the summer. i email her a few months before coming back telling her that i still want them, she says that she is getting rid of those shifts in the summer.
so today when i went to the gym, i stopped my work to say hi to the kids, i checked the summer hours sheet, my shifts were up there except she gave them to two other people when she promised i could have them this summer, so i had to remind her that she already promised me the shifts ...
ugh.
i just want to be thin.
-- J <3