fat, my birthday, i just want one thing.

i thought that maybe, just maybe if i didn't ask for anything for my birthday, i would get you. i also wished for you when i blew out my candles. can't you see i need you?
i don't believe in love, i don't believe in fairytales. you ruined me. 
soo i haven't blogged in like forever. i know know. i've been eating and being fucking fat. i'll probably come back to blogging in the summer full time when i'm home and not eating is easier to do. :)
so i'm sorry i haven't posted in awhile.
basically the last month of my life has been hell.
it consisted of losing my best friend at school, telling her that her boyfriend raped me, and having her not believe me.
realizing that D's been using me. except as much as i don't want anything to do with him something holding me onto him. he's all i think about and i keep thinking he's going to show up at his door choosing me, which i know isn't going to happen but basically i'm holding on to nothing.
it's exam week, so i should really be studying, i can't focus though because all i think about is D even after everything he put me through.
i just want school to be done, which it will be on thursday. and i just want to go home. i'm done with this shit.
-- keep fighting girls.
--- love, J <3

my life is like one tree hill right now

thinspo quote:
don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game


heeellloooo
my life has been legit CRAZY the past two weeks. i'm so so sorry i haven't posted. to sum everything up, the past weeks have evolved boys heartbreak and binging and a bunch of crying. 
basically if you know the show one tree hill, then you know what my life has been like the past two weeks.
but if you don't here's a summary"
Haley and Nathan - B & G
Lucas - D
Payton - Me 
Brooke - D's girlfriend . 
Rachel - C (in my case, C is a guy.) 
basically everyone thinks C is using me. while i am head over heals in love with D, who is apparently testing me right now according to B's boyfriend G.  me and D are on break right now. until we can be friends. except i think i might be in love with D. and knowing i can't be with him is the hardest thing in my life right now and i don't want to be alone so i turned to D's best friend C. while C says he isn't using me, everyone else thinks he is.  all i want is to be with D. he's all i think about day and night. i like him so much is fucking hurts, and i am willing to do anything to be with him. so as of today i am back to counting calories and water fasting. i go home tomorrow and hopefully things will die out when i get back and D will have finally made up his mind about H. 
uggggh . fml. 
fuccckkkk

---- i dyed my hair last weekend... does it look alright ? :) 

guys suck!

hello ladies :)!
-- so so so sorry that i haven't posted in so long. i've been so busy.
midterms are this month. i had two this week and two next week. i've been studying like crazy.
i feel like a huge pig because i've been eating everything in sight.
-- i hate guys. they are so fucking confusing. i don't even want to talk about my fucking love life right now. guys are dicks. ugh. i'm just so frustrated right now i don't know what to do. i feel like shit. i just want to go die in a hole.  i don't know if i like new guy any more. i thought i liked this guy named D, who has a girlfriend but we really did connect the night we spent together. D is a fucking dick and ass whole. 
--- i'm so fat. and guys suck. i don't know why i even bother. 
----- J

i just want to be thin!

thinspo quote:
only YOU can make this happen!


daay twenty!
hello ladies :) 
-- today's fast is going great! i've haven't eaten a single thing! plus drank more water than yesterday. the only thing i hate is when i'm not eating and drinking water makes me really really cold. i am freezing right now! oh well, tomorrow will be better. tomorrow i will not eat either, or the next day. i am going to see how long i can last. cause as todays quote says 'only YOU can make this happen'. i've got to be thin for when i go home on spring break. i'll probably not fast on spring break. i was talking to my mom on the phone today and she said she would buy me whatever food i wanted when i was home. i'll probably get some healthy stuff but some treats too.
-- i miss new guy. i know i saw him on monday but that seems like it was so long ago. i'm seeing him on friday. it's not too long. new guy got into four bands! four! i am kind of jealous, not going to lie. i hope we still have time to do things together. i honestly don't think i can go any more than a week without seeing him. 
we are going to an italian resturant for valentines day. pasta is my all time favourite food. i hate that it's so bad for you! but i promised myself to only get pasta if i fast and eat really good this week. i can't mess up. valentines day is my treat. i can do this. i keep picturing that yummy pasta and how good its going to be, but i have to work for it. 
also, new guy wants me to bring a dress to his house on friday night. ugh. i look so fat in dresses. they don't look good on me. he said he would do anything if i we had sex in a dress.
the anything that came into my mind was food. if he bought me food i would do it. i was going to ask him if he would, but i don't really need that food. fuck! i can't believe i thought of food out of everything. its the one thing i can't have. that's why i want it. but i've gotta stay in control :) 
good luck ladies! 
stay strong, and think thin
-- J 


thinspiration time!

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Annie - thanks! remember tomorrow is a new day! hopefully you did better today! :) 


M - hope you did good on your fasting! :) if not, we can always start again. keep trying! we'll be thin soon! :) 


Anafly - new guy is amazing-- he proves there are actually nice guys out there. thank you! 


Kirrari sings - yeah, when you are sick you don't want to eat anything , and you purge as well! making you lose so much weight, as much as i hate being sick,  sometimes i love it.
Thanks so much! we all have good days and bad days. i guess it's part of life. 

finally back on track!

thinspo quote:
i want; 

the size 0 jeans, 
sweat pants that hang on me, xsmall tee’s
, bruised visible hip bones
 that pale,  a cold tired face, 
the thigh gap
, collar bones sticking out

and everyone to stop and stare at me.

daay nineteen :) 

hello ladies! 

-- and new followers. 

wow, 23! i can't believe all of you actually enjoy reading my blog! also, thanks for all the supporting comment, they mean so much! and always make me feel better! 

so, as you ladies probably figured out, i am leaving comment responses at the end of my blog, after the thinspiration pictures. 

-- fasting. i'm fasting today. it's going amazing. i haven't eating anything and only drank a bottle of water. the first day of fasting is always the hardest. i always get super hungry around 4:00-5:00 ish. that's when i usually break my fast, and end up going for supper or i end up breaking my fast at around 10:00-11:00pm when i get cravings for snacks. 

-- last post i wasn't totally sure about new guy...but today i am. i really really really like him. i really hope something happens between us. i miss him whenever he isn't with me. 

anyway, so new guy weighs 127 pounds. fuuckkk! he weighs less than me. i really need to step up my game. i need to be at least 20 pounds less than him. 

also, i am not sure if i mentioned but new guy wants to do the whole valentines day thing. i used to hate valentines day, but if he's willing to plan it and buy me stuff, then i don't mind, except i have to get him something. i have no idea what to get him. i hate shopping for guys. 

and oh my god. new guy rescued me last night. i was lost and he saved me. 

heres the short version of the story: 

B wanted to go on an adventure, to the north side of the city. she just wanted to get off campus  and think cause she was stressed. she asked me to go, and me being stupid said yes. B decided she wasn't going to tell her boyfriend or anyone where she was going. she just basically wanted to get away. we ended up in the north side at a subway. i had no idea where we were. and B was having a freaking panic attack because she told her boyfriend we were on the north side, and her boyfriend got pissed for some reason and wanted to come get her, but he lives like 35 minutes outside the city and new guy was already coming to get us if we got lost. but her boyfriend decided to come anyway, and B  wouldn't let me drive back to campus with them, wtf? so i texted new guy and he saved me. i was so happy to see him, and then we kind of lost track of time and lets just say i have a huge hikki ;) on my neck :D

-- B's not coming back to school this week. She's staying at her boyfriends until she gets unstressed. that means i won't be so tempted to eat supper! :) 

-- some bad news, i carved the word failure into my wrist. i haven't cut since november. 

but ladies, my reason is a good one! -- hopefully by the time it fades i won't be a failure anymore! :) 

sorry for my post being so long! :) 

stay strong, and think thin

 ps. new guy just texted me!   

--- J 

Thinspo !!!!

 I love this one!, the before and after both actually look like the same person for once!

and, this is one of my favs, she's perfect. 

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M - i don't have a scale-- so it makes things easier. i weigh myself at the gym. i don't go to the gym often if i am fasting cause i feel really weak. but, i am thinking of asking my parents for a scale when i go home on spring break! -- i wish i could weigh myself as much as i wanted to!


used for: glue - yeah you are so right! i am surprised theres people out there that actually wanna read my writing. i love getting comments! they really make my day. 
i've been pooping like crazy lately-- do you lose weigh when you poop? 
i can't want for warm weather. i can't wait to be thin. :)


reme- thanks for the inspiration! i'm not quitting this time. we are going to be thin a beautiful and i am going to do whatever it takes :) we can do this! 


dani- i just feel so horrible when i binge! (i think we all do) but it feels so good at that moment. i just need to get a little stronger. thanks! :) 

ugh.

daaay something. maybe 18. 


hello ladies, and new followers :) -- im up to 20 now.
i remember starting this blog wondering who would want to read it.
i'm sorry that i have been lacking on posts. i never feel like posting when i binge. i feel like i am letting you all down.
-- all weekend i just wanted to eat. i probably gained five pounds this weekend. i re fuse to weigh myself. i am going to try my very hardest this week. i am going to fast for a few days, go to the gym as much as possible and then weigh myself at the end of the week to see if i've lose anything. it's impossible that i will lose 30 pounds between now and March 4th. i'm and going to try and lose as much as i can. i need inspiration. i don't have any right now. i want to give up, but i can't. i have to be thin. it's going to be worth it at the end. somedays are harder than others. i just gotta keep trying. i am not a QUITTER. We can't QUIT. We can do this.
-- i don't know if i like the new guy as much as i used to. i haven't slept with him yet even though i did sleepover at his house last weekend. this guy isn't the hottest guy on the planet. i just don't know anymore. when i lose all this weight and a hot guy comes along, and if me and new guy get together of course i am going to dump new guy for hot guy.
- long story short, basically i'm lost. i'm empty. i'm confused. i don't know what to do anymore.
somebody please heeeelllppp me!
<3 ---- J

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Kirrari - Being stressed isn't fun at all! Thanks for the advisee-- i didn't eat anything at his house, instead when i came back to m y dorm, i binged all weekend.

remerta- i hate how there are some people who can eat anything they want and still be thin! it's not fair!

Toni- i'm not sure about the whole stress calorie thing, i'm going to look it up though! and i wish 30 pounds in 30 was easy to do!

Dani- i'm going to try that next time, if i end up having to eat at his house. we went to subway. i just ended up bingeing anyway. ugh.

haze- maybe 30 pounds is a bit too much, i'm going to try and lose as much of it as possible though!
thanks for following :)

AVY- yeah so true! i guess the big thing is finding yourself, and liking yourself before you can be truly satisfied.

so stressed.

thinspo quote:
& she whispered below her breath, why can't i be more like HER. 


daaay fifteen!
hello ladies :)
-- i am so sick of studying. i haven't even studied that much. i hate how professors always cram everything so close together. this month is going to suck school wise. i have so many tests this much, my brain hurts just thinking about them. i just want it to be friday. i want to get my learners test over with and just relax with the new guy and not worry about anything. i'm so sick of nightmares as well. i just want to go home.
-- 30 days! that's how many days i have until spring breaks starts. that's how many days i have to lose 30 fucking pounds. that means i have to lose a pound a day. -- it probably won't happen, but i am going to try my hardest. i miss home. i miss my friends. i miss my old gym. i miss work. i miss my family and my cat. i'll make it, and when i go home, it's so going to be worth it. i am going to look amazing then. i can't give up. -- i'm scared to step onto the scale. i've been avoiding it and the gym. i'll get back on tract next week.
-- i haven't eaten anything today so far. i've had water, that's it. went to the cafeteria with B, left my wallet in my room on purpose. didn't get anything, even though the food was so tempting.
--i'm worried about this weekend. me and the new guy were talking about food. what i am supposed to do when i eat supper with him family? or breakfast? i mean, i can't say i don't want anything. that would just be rude. maybe i'll take really really small amounts of whatever they give me. fuck. this is so hard.
--i'm so stressed. i just want to go HOME.
help!
- J
thinspo :)