so close but yet so far.

have you ever felt like you've been so close to getting someone, like it's right under your finger tips but at the same time that someone seems so far away, like your never going to be together.
that's exactly how d and i are right now. d recently broke up with is girlfriend in the summer, which should be a good thing right? i guess it is, i mean i'm not feeling guilty every time he comes over and we do things. the only problem is it''s me and d. our relationship is just this huge mess of being fuck buddies with feelings half the time basically. then, when something pisses us off we stop talking to each other for weeks and the cycle keeps repeating. all i want is to move pass this stupid stage. we both like each other. sure i'm afraid to let him in again but i seriously think he might save me. i'm broken and he's broken, i mean not as much as me but still. maybe we can save each other. he's the only person i picture being with. i know he makes me mad sometimes and nobody's perfect but i can't lose him. we are so close. i'm not going to lose him this time i can't. i'm going to do everything i can to be with him. i'm going to fight even though it hurts. i'm going to fast. i'm going to lose weight. i'm going to be that girl that any guy would want, just to make him want me more. i'm going to do this. ---- starting today. starting right now. today's the day that's gonna chance everything for the rest of my life. i refuse to give up. and this fight is going to be worth it. :)

can't sleep :(

i've only gotten like one hour of sleep tonight. i'm going to the gym in like an hour and then i have work all day until 5:30pm tonight and then back to the gym...it's going to be one long ass fucking day, we are taking the day camps kids to the beach...at least i can work on my tan lol ...

i don't care anymore, i am going to do whatever it takes now to be thin. i'm done with guys just using me for sex all the time. i just want a guy who will actually wanna be with me, maybe i'll get that when i'm thin.
i can do this shit :)

fathers day :)

hello ladies,

everytime i seem to go near the xbox, something breaks. the other day, i broke the expensive hdmi cord so my mom and i had to go out and get a new one, then we also bought dance dance revolution.
yesterday, i got blamed for taking a xbox game out of xbox and leaving it on the floor and then my dad stepped on it and it broke and my brother got all mad at me because apparently his friend was lending it to him and my dad had to go spend 60 dollars on a fucking new one.  

anyways, for fathers day my dad invited his cousin her husband and daughter are coming over for dinner and then their daughter who is a few years younger than me is staying for a few days.
hydroxycut has been helping a little bit i think, i've only been on it for three days. i didn't go to the gym yesterday and  probably won't go today, but i went friday and i'm pretty sure i gained since yesterday morning, well yesterday i did eat whatever i wanted.
i just wish i was thin. i want to be thin so bad, then i wouldn't be scared about going out. i would want go out. and i wouldn't hate myself when i looked in the mirror.
stay strong, thin think
-- J <3

all i want is to be wanted ...

hello ladies,
all i want is for somebody to want me, for somebody to love me. i want to be that girl who's always on a guys mind, when a msg from me pops up on somebody's phone, they smile and laugh. i want to receive text msgs from people and not always be the one sending them. a simple good morning text would make my day. i want to be the girl guys always check out when walking down the street. i want a guy to complement me and mean it. i want a guy who tells me i'm beautiful, i want i guy who will love me and make me believe in love and fairytales again.
is that too much to ask for?

k, my boss is really starting to piss me off. when i went away to uni she said i would be able to have my shifts back in the summer. i email her a few months before coming back telling her that i still want them, she says that she is getting rid of those shifts in the summer.
so today when i went to the gym, i stopped my work to say hi to the kids, i checked the summer hours sheet, my shifts were up there except she gave them to two other people when she promised i could have them this summer, so i had to remind her that she already promised me the shifts ...
ugh.
i just want to be thin.
-- J <3 

i want another tattoo...

k so, i went shopping with my mom today. 
i got
five different color cami's sizes xs to s 
a pair of shorts size 26
stripped tank top size s
and two pairs of flip flops 

only problem? i don't fit into any of the clothing items. reason? i'm too fat. my mom said i would never fit into any of the extra small shirts because my boobs will be too big. i'll show her. 
ugh, i want to be thin so bad. 
on the way to the gym tomorrow, i am going to buy some hydroxycut and see if the pills will help any. 


oh, i'm thinking about getting another tattoo. right now, i have three stars on my right wrist. i want to get another small tattoo on my left wrist. 
why? i'm not sure if i mentioned before in my other blogs, but i self harm. i cut mostly on my wrists, words, lines whatever. most of the words i write are hateful ones. so, i want to get a tattoo that covers them. and hopefully i won't want to cut as much. 
except, i'm not sure what to get. i don't know if i want words or a symbol something telling me to stay stong. i want whatever i get to be meaningful as well, so if anybody has any ideas of what i should get, please feel free to share it with me :)!
stay strong girls, 
-- J<3
 

being thin isn't that easy

hello ladies,

i went to the gym on saturday and sunday. except i didn't really watch what i ate all weekend, fuck this whole thin thing isn't going well.
today's a new day, i'm going to try again. it's raining out, i don't feel like walking to the gym. i also have to go to the bank to cash a check so i can buy some hydroxycut...maybe the pills will help me lose weight faster.
i don't feel up to getting out of bed, i don't want to get up to go change the record that stopped playing. and i don't feel like eating. i'm going to try my hardest not to eat today. but as soon as i eat, i have to go to the gym.
i don't feel like doing anything basically. i might do the plank and sit ups on my yoga ball.
i keep trying to picture how good i'll look when i'm 100 pounds, and somehow i think it's going to be easy to get there. except i know it's not. i wish it was though. i just want to go back to school and walk into where D works to buy something, run into him, and have him not be able to get his eyes off me.
i don't know what to do anymore, why does this have to be so hard?

home sweet home

hello girls,

guess what?! i have big news. I"M HOME! :) and i couldn't be happier. i am so ready to become thin again.
right now, i am lying in bed with my cat lying beside me. i missed my cat so much.
i was unpacking the things i still haven't unpacked from school yet, all my dresser drawers are stuffed with clothes and my closet is so small and is stuff with hoodies...i haven't evens started unpacking from my trip yet, and have no where to put the clothes. my clothing hamper is already half full with clean clothes. plus, my mom brought me back some things when she was away. i think i need another room.
my great aunt who died a few months ago, had a record player it's been sitting in our basement for ever since she moved in with us about six years ago. i decided that i want to start collecting records.
my mom said they might have some at the second hand store, so we are going to go there tomorrow and look for some. also, we are going to check some yard sales.
tomorrow, i also want to plaster my walls with thinspiration pictures and go to the gym.
it's good to be back.
stay strong, think thin
-- J <3