Can You Hear Me?

Can you see me? I am here. Here. Dying inside. Little by little, day by day, the sunlight goes away, and darkness comes. 

Is there a light on the other side--at the end of the tunnel? 

Can you hear me? Can you see me? I am here. 

Here alone. Invisible within darkness. Smothered by unwanted thoughts. I'm in a nightmare. Day in, day out. 

"Take my hand," she says, her eyes are black as cole. Her heart is cold. "Come with me." 

Darkness has come. It's ready to take me away, throw me down a rabbit whole. 

Where have the butterflies gone? The sunlight? The bright blue skies. They're somewhere, in another world perhaps. 

"Take my hand," she says again, "I see you. I can hear you." 

I take her hand, she swallows me whole, into a whole other world. I call her "Her. or "She". 

Who would want to name the monster that living inside of your head? 

k so today wasn't totally bad...i spent the after noon babysitting morgan. we went to clay cafe , a place where you paint pottery. it was kind of fun actually. i picked out a mug to paint for my momma for mothers day and i let morgan pick out something for herself and something for her mom. morgan is obsessed with dogs so of course she picks out a dog and then she picks out an elephant for her mom because it's her mom's favourite animal. i think she had a lot of fun, i mean it's better than being cooped up in boring old day care all day. even though she's six, i like spending time with morgan. i've known her her whole life and i've lived next door to her her whole life, i basically consider ourselves  as sisters.
i guess that's all for now <3
---- J

new beginnings

hello,
i know, i know i haven't updated this blog in a thousand years but it's summer now and i've got nothing to do so that's going to change. i guess it's a new beginning, a new start. it's time for change. -- and that's exactly what my tattoo means---new beginnings, free,  & change. while i was vacationing, i got a second tattoo on my left wrist of two butterflies.
okay anyway, i don't know if anybody still reads my blog posts cause i haven't updated in forever. i've been using tumblr a lot this year but lately it's been starting to piss me off. so i'm going to start using both, i mean if people still want me to post blogs... do you?
i'm going to start at the gym tomorrow because yesterday i dropped a suit cause on my toe and cut open a toe nail. it hurt like fuck and i can't really walk on it ---- so i guess i'll just start tomorrow morning.
i decided to go back to working out because i have like only one friend here at home and half the time she is working and i have like nothing to do basically. my job doesn't start until the end of june so i'm stuck doing nothing and i don't want to be sitting around my house doing nothing which is what i'll be doing this summer anyway. so i'm going to transform this summer into a prettier, much skinner me. i know that i always say i wish i was thin and everything --- well guess news flash, you don't get thin by just wishing to be thin...you actually have to work for it....
if you want me to keep posting i guess just comment and let me know--- i'm not sure i am going to post if i have nobody wanting to read my blog --- but knowing me i'll probably will cause like i said, i have no friends here.
stay strong xo, --- J

so close but yet so far.

have you ever felt like you've been so close to getting someone, like it's right under your finger tips but at the same time that someone seems so far away, like your never going to be together.
that's exactly how d and i are right now. d recently broke up with is girlfriend in the summer, which should be a good thing right? i guess it is, i mean i'm not feeling guilty every time he comes over and we do things. the only problem is it''s me and d. our relationship is just this huge mess of being fuck buddies with feelings half the time basically. then, when something pisses us off we stop talking to each other for weeks and the cycle keeps repeating. all i want is to move pass this stupid stage. we both like each other. sure i'm afraid to let him in again but i seriously think he might save me. i'm broken and he's broken, i mean not as much as me but still. maybe we can save each other. he's the only person i picture being with. i know he makes me mad sometimes and nobody's perfect but i can't lose him. we are so close. i'm not going to lose him this time i can't. i'm going to do everything i can to be with him. i'm going to fight even though it hurts. i'm going to fast. i'm going to lose weight. i'm going to be that girl that any guy would want, just to make him want me more. i'm going to do this. ---- starting today. starting right now. today's the day that's gonna chance everything for the rest of my life. i refuse to give up. and this fight is going to be worth it. :)

can't sleep :(

i've only gotten like one hour of sleep tonight. i'm going to the gym in like an hour and then i have work all day until 5:30pm tonight and then back to the gym...it's going to be one long ass fucking day, we are taking the day camps kids to the beach...at least i can work on my tan lol ...

i don't care anymore, i am going to do whatever it takes now to be thin. i'm done with guys just using me for sex all the time. i just want a guy who will actually wanna be with me, maybe i'll get that when i'm thin.
i can do this shit :)

fathers day :)

hello ladies,

everytime i seem to go near the xbox, something breaks. the other day, i broke the expensive hdmi cord so my mom and i had to go out and get a new one, then we also bought dance dance revolution.
yesterday, i got blamed for taking a xbox game out of xbox and leaving it on the floor and then my dad stepped on it and it broke and my brother got all mad at me because apparently his friend was lending it to him and my dad had to go spend 60 dollars on a fucking new one.  

anyways, for fathers day my dad invited his cousin her husband and daughter are coming over for dinner and then their daughter who is a few years younger than me is staying for a few days.
hydroxycut has been helping a little bit i think, i've only been on it for three days. i didn't go to the gym yesterday and  probably won't go today, but i went friday and i'm pretty sure i gained since yesterday morning, well yesterday i did eat whatever i wanted.
i just wish i was thin. i want to be thin so bad, then i wouldn't be scared about going out. i would want go out. and i wouldn't hate myself when i looked in the mirror.
stay strong, thin think
-- J <3

all i want is to be wanted ...

hello ladies,
all i want is for somebody to want me, for somebody to love me. i want to be that girl who's always on a guys mind, when a msg from me pops up on somebody's phone, they smile and laugh. i want to receive text msgs from people and not always be the one sending them. a simple good morning text would make my day. i want to be the girl guys always check out when walking down the street. i want a guy to complement me and mean it. i want a guy who tells me i'm beautiful, i want i guy who will love me and make me believe in love and fairytales again.
is that too much to ask for?

k, my boss is really starting to piss me off. when i went away to uni she said i would be able to have my shifts back in the summer. i email her a few months before coming back telling her that i still want them, she says that she is getting rid of those shifts in the summer.
so today when i went to the gym, i stopped my work to say hi to the kids, i checked the summer hours sheet, my shifts were up there except she gave them to two other people when she promised i could have them this summer, so i had to remind her that she already promised me the shifts ...
ugh.
i just want to be thin.
-- J <3 

i want another tattoo...

k so, i went shopping with my mom today. 
i got
five different color cami's sizes xs to s 
a pair of shorts size 26
stripped tank top size s
and two pairs of flip flops 

only problem? i don't fit into any of the clothing items. reason? i'm too fat. my mom said i would never fit into any of the extra small shirts because my boobs will be too big. i'll show her. 
ugh, i want to be thin so bad. 
on the way to the gym tomorrow, i am going to buy some hydroxycut and see if the pills will help any. 


oh, i'm thinking about getting another tattoo. right now, i have three stars on my right wrist. i want to get another small tattoo on my left wrist. 
why? i'm not sure if i mentioned before in my other blogs, but i self harm. i cut mostly on my wrists, words, lines whatever. most of the words i write are hateful ones. so, i want to get a tattoo that covers them. and hopefully i won't want to cut as much. 
except, i'm not sure what to get. i don't know if i want words or a symbol something telling me to stay stong. i want whatever i get to be meaningful as well, so if anybody has any ideas of what i should get, please feel free to share it with me :)!
stay strong girls, 
-- J<3
 

being thin isn't that easy

hello ladies,

i went to the gym on saturday and sunday. except i didn't really watch what i ate all weekend, fuck this whole thin thing isn't going well.
today's a new day, i'm going to try again. it's raining out, i don't feel like walking to the gym. i also have to go to the bank to cash a check so i can buy some hydroxycut...maybe the pills will help me lose weight faster.
i don't feel up to getting out of bed, i don't want to get up to go change the record that stopped playing. and i don't feel like eating. i'm going to try my hardest not to eat today. but as soon as i eat, i have to go to the gym.
i don't feel like doing anything basically. i might do the plank and sit ups on my yoga ball.
i keep trying to picture how good i'll look when i'm 100 pounds, and somehow i think it's going to be easy to get there. except i know it's not. i wish it was though. i just want to go back to school and walk into where D works to buy something, run into him, and have him not be able to get his eyes off me.
i don't know what to do anymore, why does this have to be so hard?

home sweet home

hello girls,

guess what?! i have big news. I"M HOME! :) and i couldn't be happier. i am so ready to become thin again.
right now, i am lying in bed with my cat lying beside me. i missed my cat so much.
i was unpacking the things i still haven't unpacked from school yet, all my dresser drawers are stuffed with clothes and my closet is so small and is stuff with hoodies...i haven't evens started unpacking from my trip yet, and have no where to put the clothes. my clothing hamper is already half full with clean clothes. plus, my mom brought me back some things when she was away. i think i need another room.
my great aunt who died a few months ago, had a record player it's been sitting in our basement for ever since she moved in with us about six years ago. i decided that i want to start collecting records.
my mom said they might have some at the second hand store, so we are going to go there tomorrow and look for some. also, we are going to check some yard sales.
tomorrow, i also want to plaster my walls with thinspiration pictures and go to the gym.
it's good to be back.
stay strong, think thin
-- J <3

back to the country today

hello ladies,

i got a tumblr, i don't really like it that much, but then again i don't know how to use it really...
it's simply-thin.tumblr.com
i'm not sure if i'm going to use it as often as i use blogger, but who knows,
also if you have a tumblr i'd love to be friends on there as well, and follow you....maybe you can even sure me how to use it.

today's my last day with internet until i go home on friday, but on the bright side, i'm going home on friday!
there's five days until i'm home! yes, i know it's all i've been talking about for the last few blog posts, except i can't wait. i can't wait to get off that plane and see my family and friends, and of course go to the gym :)!
i'm starting back at the gym saturday, since friday i want to spend with my family because i haven't seen then since the end of april. and as much as i don't get along with my siblings, it will be nice to see them and of course my parents. yes, my parents do annoy me most of the time, but it will be nice to spend a little bit of time with them.
i'm not really sure what's going on for the rest of the week, but hopefully the weather will be nice because i want to work on my tan as much as possible because there's nothing better to do at my aunts.
by the end of the summer i was to lose at least 30lbs, maybe even more.
stay strong, think thin
-- J <3 xo.

six days til home!

hello girls :)!
and new followers...

i messed around with my layout a little bit, so hope you like it, i really do.

guess what?! only SIX more days until i'm home and back to starving myself. i'm so excited. hopefully this week will go quickly,,,
while driving to the mall today there was a huge thunderstorm, people thought it was a tornado except it wasn't.
this is what i bought at the mall today:
one pair of x-small spandex shorts from Forever 21
a pink and white stripped tank top size small from Forever 21
and a cute grey and black one shoulder dress type shirt size small from Forever 21
lastly a black water proof eyeliner from Sephora 
-- kay so maybe i got a bit excited because i'm a size medium almost a size large so there's no way the x-small spandex are going to fit me anytime soon or anything else for that matter, so that just gets me even more pumped to start starving myself.
-- J <3

going home in a week!

in a week from tomorrow, I'll be back to counting calories and going to the gym twice a day, watching thinspiration on YouTube and looking through my thinspiration binder and of corse keeping the blog updated.
Right now I am at a mall waiting for my older cousin to finish work and come pick me up, sure I used to love the mall when I had a job and went with friends. Being here right now sucks. It's busy and I know nobody and have no money to spend on clothes. So basically there's nothing to do. I'm sitting alone in the food court with a bottle of water. My life is so sad fuck. The only good thing about sitting here right now is the hot guy that's sitting buy himself a few tables across from me. except of course I'm to ugly for him t notice me.
I'm thinking about getting a tumblur. Should I?
Think thin and stay sting girls ...
Hopefully your days are going better than mine!
Thanks for all the new followers as well!
-- j
ps sorry for the spelling errors ...

hello girls!,

i'm so sorry for the lack of blog posts. lately i was going through so much drama and things with school that i lost my inspiration to be thing again. as you know from a few posts, i really liked this guy D a lot. and  i figured he liked me. which wasn't the case because the pieces to the puzzle began coming together and i realized he was just using me. here i was thinking he was the prefect guy who might actually show me that love is real, that love does exist. wrong. he turned out to be a complete ass whole, liar, and jerk. but by the time i figured this out, i really really liked him. part of me wanted to believe all his lies where true and the other part of me just wanted to walk away, and let me tell you, letting go is harder then it looks. D put me through hell. but i've had enough of the lies and promises. i've really got to move on, so i'm going to and yes, it's going to be hard but with each day things will get a little easier.
since school is finished for the summer, i decided to go on a long vacation to stay with my aunt until i have to work at the end of june. basically being here, i wanted to accomplish a few things: try and move on from D, try and be happy again and become who i used to be, and lastly find the inspiration to try and become thin. and guess what?! i found it. i can't wait to go back home. i can't wait to start at the gym two times a day and start counting calories. i can't wait to lose 40 pounds. i can't wait to become pretty. i can't wait to have the body that every guy wants. so i figured if i have this perfect body, a body that all guys are jealous of then D might be jealous of it. i'm going to walk into where D works when i get back to school and pretend i came in to buy something and then i'll run into him and then he'll regret everything that happened between us and then he'll want me, and then i'll tell him, if you want me, come find me.
PERFECT PLAN HUH?
so girls, when i get home in the middle of june, i'm back for good.
-- J <3

fat, my birthday, i just want one thing.

i thought that maybe, just maybe if i didn't ask for anything for my birthday, i would get you. i also wished for you when i blew out my candles. can't you see i need you?
i don't believe in love, i don't believe in fairytales. you ruined me. 
soo i haven't blogged in like forever. i know know. i've been eating and being fucking fat. i'll probably come back to blogging in the summer full time when i'm home and not eating is easier to do. :)
so i'm sorry i haven't posted in awhile.
basically the last month of my life has been hell.
it consisted of losing my best friend at school, telling her that her boyfriend raped me, and having her not believe me.
realizing that D's been using me. except as much as i don't want anything to do with him something holding me onto him. he's all i think about and i keep thinking he's going to show up at his door choosing me, which i know isn't going to happen but basically i'm holding on to nothing.
it's exam week, so i should really be studying, i can't focus though because all i think about is D even after everything he put me through.
i just want school to be done, which it will be on thursday. and i just want to go home. i'm done with this shit.
-- keep fighting girls.
--- love, J <3

my life is like one tree hill right now

thinspo quote:
don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game


heeellloooo
my life has been legit CRAZY the past two weeks. i'm so so sorry i haven't posted. to sum everything up, the past weeks have evolved boys heartbreak and binging and a bunch of crying. 
basically if you know the show one tree hill, then you know what my life has been like the past two weeks.
but if you don't here's a summary"
Haley and Nathan - B & G
Lucas - D
Payton - Me 
Brooke - D's girlfriend . 
Rachel - C (in my case, C is a guy.) 
basically everyone thinks C is using me. while i am head over heals in love with D, who is apparently testing me right now according to B's boyfriend G.  me and D are on break right now. until we can be friends. except i think i might be in love with D. and knowing i can't be with him is the hardest thing in my life right now and i don't want to be alone so i turned to D's best friend C. while C says he isn't using me, everyone else thinks he is.  all i want is to be with D. he's all i think about day and night. i like him so much is fucking hurts, and i am willing to do anything to be with him. so as of today i am back to counting calories and water fasting. i go home tomorrow and hopefully things will die out when i get back and D will have finally made up his mind about H. 
uggggh . fml. 
fuccckkkk

---- i dyed my hair last weekend... does it look alright ? :) 

guys suck!

hello ladies :)!
-- so so so sorry that i haven't posted in so long. i've been so busy.
midterms are this month. i had two this week and two next week. i've been studying like crazy.
i feel like a huge pig because i've been eating everything in sight.
-- i hate guys. they are so fucking confusing. i don't even want to talk about my fucking love life right now. guys are dicks. ugh. i'm just so frustrated right now i don't know what to do. i feel like shit. i just want to go die in a hole.  i don't know if i like new guy any more. i thought i liked this guy named D, who has a girlfriend but we really did connect the night we spent together. D is a fucking dick and ass whole. 
--- i'm so fat. and guys suck. i don't know why i even bother. 
----- J

i just want to be thin!

thinspo quote:
only YOU can make this happen!


daay twenty!
hello ladies :) 
-- today's fast is going great! i've haven't eaten a single thing! plus drank more water than yesterday. the only thing i hate is when i'm not eating and drinking water makes me really really cold. i am freezing right now! oh well, tomorrow will be better. tomorrow i will not eat either, or the next day. i am going to see how long i can last. cause as todays quote says 'only YOU can make this happen'. i've got to be thin for when i go home on spring break. i'll probably not fast on spring break. i was talking to my mom on the phone today and she said she would buy me whatever food i wanted when i was home. i'll probably get some healthy stuff but some treats too.
-- i miss new guy. i know i saw him on monday but that seems like it was so long ago. i'm seeing him on friday. it's not too long. new guy got into four bands! four! i am kind of jealous, not going to lie. i hope we still have time to do things together. i honestly don't think i can go any more than a week without seeing him. 
we are going to an italian resturant for valentines day. pasta is my all time favourite food. i hate that it's so bad for you! but i promised myself to only get pasta if i fast and eat really good this week. i can't mess up. valentines day is my treat. i can do this. i keep picturing that yummy pasta and how good its going to be, but i have to work for it. 
also, new guy wants me to bring a dress to his house on friday night. ugh. i look so fat in dresses. they don't look good on me. he said he would do anything if i we had sex in a dress.
the anything that came into my mind was food. if he bought me food i would do it. i was going to ask him if he would, but i don't really need that food. fuck! i can't believe i thought of food out of everything. its the one thing i can't have. that's why i want it. but i've gotta stay in control :) 
good luck ladies! 
stay strong, and think thin
-- J 


thinspiration time!

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Annie - thanks! remember tomorrow is a new day! hopefully you did better today! :) 


M - hope you did good on your fasting! :) if not, we can always start again. keep trying! we'll be thin soon! :) 


Anafly - new guy is amazing-- he proves there are actually nice guys out there. thank you! 


Kirrari sings - yeah, when you are sick you don't want to eat anything , and you purge as well! making you lose so much weight, as much as i hate being sick,  sometimes i love it.
Thanks so much! we all have good days and bad days. i guess it's part of life. 

finally back on track!

thinspo quote:
i want; 

the size 0 jeans, 
sweat pants that hang on me, xsmall tee’s
, bruised visible hip bones
 that pale,  a cold tired face, 
the thigh gap
, collar bones sticking out

and everyone to stop and stare at me.

daay nineteen :) 

hello ladies! 

-- and new followers. 

wow, 23! i can't believe all of you actually enjoy reading my blog! also, thanks for all the supporting comment, they mean so much! and always make me feel better! 

so, as you ladies probably figured out, i am leaving comment responses at the end of my blog, after the thinspiration pictures. 

-- fasting. i'm fasting today. it's going amazing. i haven't eating anything and only drank a bottle of water. the first day of fasting is always the hardest. i always get super hungry around 4:00-5:00 ish. that's when i usually break my fast, and end up going for supper or i end up breaking my fast at around 10:00-11:00pm when i get cravings for snacks. 

-- last post i wasn't totally sure about new guy...but today i am. i really really really like him. i really hope something happens between us. i miss him whenever he isn't with me. 

anyway, so new guy weighs 127 pounds. fuuckkk! he weighs less than me. i really need to step up my game. i need to be at least 20 pounds less than him. 

also, i am not sure if i mentioned but new guy wants to do the whole valentines day thing. i used to hate valentines day, but if he's willing to plan it and buy me stuff, then i don't mind, except i have to get him something. i have no idea what to get him. i hate shopping for guys. 

and oh my god. new guy rescued me last night. i was lost and he saved me. 

heres the short version of the story: 

B wanted to go on an adventure, to the north side of the city. she just wanted to get off campus  and think cause she was stressed. she asked me to go, and me being stupid said yes. B decided she wasn't going to tell her boyfriend or anyone where she was going. she just basically wanted to get away. we ended up in the north side at a subway. i had no idea where we were. and B was having a freaking panic attack because she told her boyfriend we were on the north side, and her boyfriend got pissed for some reason and wanted to come get her, but he lives like 35 minutes outside the city and new guy was already coming to get us if we got lost. but her boyfriend decided to come anyway, and B  wouldn't let me drive back to campus with them, wtf? so i texted new guy and he saved me. i was so happy to see him, and then we kind of lost track of time and lets just say i have a huge hikki ;) on my neck :D

-- B's not coming back to school this week. She's staying at her boyfriends until she gets unstressed. that means i won't be so tempted to eat supper! :) 

-- some bad news, i carved the word failure into my wrist. i haven't cut since november. 

but ladies, my reason is a good one! -- hopefully by the time it fades i won't be a failure anymore! :) 

sorry for my post being so long! :) 

stay strong, and think thin

 ps. new guy just texted me!   

--- J 

Thinspo !!!!

 I love this one!, the before and after both actually look like the same person for once!

and, this is one of my favs, she's perfect. 

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M - i don't have a scale-- so it makes things easier. i weigh myself at the gym. i don't go to the gym often if i am fasting cause i feel really weak. but, i am thinking of asking my parents for a scale when i go home on spring break! -- i wish i could weigh myself as much as i wanted to!


used for: glue - yeah you are so right! i am surprised theres people out there that actually wanna read my writing. i love getting comments! they really make my day. 
i've been pooping like crazy lately-- do you lose weigh when you poop? 
i can't want for warm weather. i can't wait to be thin. :)


reme- thanks for the inspiration! i'm not quitting this time. we are going to be thin a beautiful and i am going to do whatever it takes :) we can do this! 


dani- i just feel so horrible when i binge! (i think we all do) but it feels so good at that moment. i just need to get a little stronger. thanks! :) 

ugh.

daaay something. maybe 18. 


hello ladies, and new followers :) -- im up to 20 now.
i remember starting this blog wondering who would want to read it.
i'm sorry that i have been lacking on posts. i never feel like posting when i binge. i feel like i am letting you all down.
-- all weekend i just wanted to eat. i probably gained five pounds this weekend. i re fuse to weigh myself. i am going to try my very hardest this week. i am going to fast for a few days, go to the gym as much as possible and then weigh myself at the end of the week to see if i've lose anything. it's impossible that i will lose 30 pounds between now and March 4th. i'm and going to try and lose as much as i can. i need inspiration. i don't have any right now. i want to give up, but i can't. i have to be thin. it's going to be worth it at the end. somedays are harder than others. i just gotta keep trying. i am not a QUITTER. We can't QUIT. We can do this.
-- i don't know if i like the new guy as much as i used to. i haven't slept with him yet even though i did sleepover at his house last weekend. this guy isn't the hottest guy on the planet. i just don't know anymore. when i lose all this weight and a hot guy comes along, and if me and new guy get together of course i am going to dump new guy for hot guy.
- long story short, basically i'm lost. i'm empty. i'm confused. i don't know what to do anymore.
somebody please heeeelllppp me!
<3 ---- J

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Kirrari - Being stressed isn't fun at all! Thanks for the advisee-- i didn't eat anything at his house, instead when i came back to m y dorm, i binged all weekend.

remerta- i hate how there are some people who can eat anything they want and still be thin! it's not fair!

Toni- i'm not sure about the whole stress calorie thing, i'm going to look it up though! and i wish 30 pounds in 30 was easy to do!

Dani- i'm going to try that next time, if i end up having to eat at his house. we went to subway. i just ended up bingeing anyway. ugh.

haze- maybe 30 pounds is a bit too much, i'm going to try and lose as much of it as possible though!
thanks for following :)

AVY- yeah so true! i guess the big thing is finding yourself, and liking yourself before you can be truly satisfied.